Personal growth

The following was a post in a journal I keep as well as with a friend. Keep that in mind if you see references to time.

Very recently, I’ve learned quite a few things after discussions with good friends. As such, things have changed. Shortly before this, however, I had had enough of several issues that have been going on for a long time, but especially so in the last 5 months. I had a break-up back in January, and you could say that she was my first love. It obviously affected me, but I didn’t really get any chance to deal with it as I had classes and friends that didn’t really inquire much. Thus, I brooded.

As I went on, I’ve been very insecure and defensive about various things. Bitterness, anger, and depression have come in recurring periods, usually for maybe a week at a time where I let all of it out. The past several weeks have seen that going on and on and on. My mind has been obsessing over the fact that I haven’t had sex yet and that’s seemingly preventing me from finding a relationship. I have some experience with things leading up to penetration, but I simply haven’t taken that extra step. This has led to one of my friends telling me I’m not totally virginal, just really lonely and insecure lately. I want a connection with a special woman, but I feel boxed in. Little did I know, I’ve been incredibly insecure for the past several months. I wonder if that had more to do with things than my virginity, and people were just picking at my insecurity when mocking me.

Now, after help from a friend, I’ve calmed down quite a bit. I’ve figured out things that I need. I need to learn how to accept and admit that I need affection and to be touched. I need to learn how to be confident and secure again as I was before my break-up. Most notably, though, I’ve gained some new direction.

What’s probably been going on is that my mind has been tearing itself apart with my stubborn desire to find a relationship and my need to take that sexual step in my life. My friend helped me figure out that I don’t simply need a relationship for sex, and I certainly shouldn’t go and find any random skank to sleep with. I just need somebody that will show me the respect and consideration that I deserve in my first time and recognize that it is a special thing. I limited that to a relationship, and while I do want one with a great girl, it is not necessary for that to be how I have my first sexual experience. My standards are still much the same as before, albeit with some small tweaks. Essentially, if somebody is worth a relationship, they are also worth sex. I simply do not need to be so afraid and rigid when it comes to expressing myself on a physical and/or sexual level. On a related note, I also am making it a goal to come to terms and accept the existence and form of my sexual personality instead of repressing it.

Honestly, figuring this stuff out has helped me wonders. I haven’t been able to get answers or explanations for a long time, and I’ve just been getting criticized. It’s amazing what happens when I get what I want: answers and explanations. I feel happier.

The Halo series, and the magic it needs to rediscover

 

Halo, a science fiction series that spans multiple platforms including the Xbox 360, novels, and graphic novels, is not exactly a hard series to know exists. The games are mostly in the first person shooter (FPS) genre, but Ensemble Studios added in a realtime strategy game called Halo Wars. The company that started the series, Bungie, seemed to know what they were doing throughout the series and created a captivating story and addictive multiplayer.

I’ve been playing Halo 3: ODST again lately, and I heard a grunt ask in its comically squeaky voice, “When has us looking for it EVER been a good idea?” This reminded me of the flavor that Halo has always had to it. The series could never quite return totally that flavor mastered in the first game, but it has had moments of greatness in each one.

The first game was a magical experience. Halo: Combat Evolved had you feeling hunted at times, while being a lone wolf hunter at other times. Occasionally, you had allies to fight alongside you. The game was a good mix of getting the jump on the enemies in a strange, derelict setting whether or not you were the hunter or the hunted. The bottom line was that things wanted to kill you for their own equally important reasons.

Each faction’s personality and motivations for eliminating the other factions were woven together. The Covenant were tactical, cunning, and sophisticated conquerers. Their cooperation with each other and the hierarchy in the multi-species alliance was fascinating and complex. The Flood were bloodthirsty and would stop at nothing to consume their victims, whether it was you or anyone else the parasite could infect. Regardless, a twisted, mutated, rotting mess charging at you flailing its broken limbs was intimidating and unforgiving. They were to be taken seriously for their relentless hunger. The Forerunner machines were cold and eliminated anything that was Flood or potential food for the Flood. If you were not deemed part of the solution for dealing with the Flood, you were no exception.

For the Flood, killing you was in their nature. For the Covenant, killing you was in their scripture. For the Forerunner machines, killing you was in their programming. They wanted you dead, and you were vulnerable despite being a hyperlethal supersoldier in power armor.

I believe that mastering these fundamental aspects that were present in the first game can prove effective in the new trilogy that Microsoft’s 343 Industries is starting with Halo 4. Let’s hope the new trilogy isn’t bad.